


Clean

by aptasi



Category: Wheel of Time - Robert Jordan
Genre: Angst, Cold, F/M, Gen, Hypothermia, Psychological Trauma, Sad, Support, Trauma, trauma reaction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-18 02:21:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28984797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aptasi/pseuds/aptasi
Summary: Water, cold, and what it takes to feel back to life
Relationships: Moiraine Damodred/Thom Merrilin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	Clean

**Author's Note:**

> Rating is for intense trauma, individual and vicarious and a trauma reaction in the immediate aftermath of such.

There was such a difference, Thom thought, between not dead and alive. He watched the bundle of cloak that was Moiraine, lying by the fire, and let the whole of it sink in. The rescue had succeeded. They had lost someone, a hero, but Moiraine was alive. She could be seen, touched, in this world. 

He wondered if Moiraine would let him hold her. Well, only one way to find out...He knelt. 

“Thom…” she said softly. 

“What is it my love?” 

Moiraine changed the side she was turned on to face him. “Can I ask you to do something for me?” 

Thom leaned over her. “Now what would that be, my dear?"

“I…” She blushed. 

He smiled at her. 

"I fear it is not very glamorous."

"Try me."

"I have not been able to wash in a very," she said, "long time. I feel disgusting."

Moiraine didn't look like that at all. Weak, perhaps, but she was radiant 

"And violated.The sister who studied this wanted a bath after a few minutes. I was there for," She trailed off, sounding echoed and empty toned. "Truly I would manage on my own, but I am not sure I can stand, and the thought of trying to get to water crawling on my hands and knees..."

Thom couldn't believe he'd been fool enough to confuse how she looked with how she felt. "Let's get you cleaned up, my love."

She nodded.

"Can you walk if I support you?"

Moiraine hesitated. "No. Not far" 

"I'll carry you. You can sit next to the water, and we"ll bring it up to you."

"I" she frowned "want to go into the river."

"You'll freeze. Doing that in the middle of the night."

Moiraine's face twitched. "Please."

Thom made his voice confident. "Alright Moiraine if you need it it happens. I'm going to go make sure the fire is built up. I don't think we can rely on you being able to channel yourself dry do you?"

"Good idea."  
____,

“Thom, what are you doing?” Mat demanded. 

“Putting some more logs on the fire.” Thom grunted.

“I see. Fair enough" Mat muttered. "But why?"

"To dry us off."

"Still missing something, Thom. '

The Gleeman shot him a glance that was almost a perfect copy of Moiraine’s usual glower. "Moiraine and I are going swimming."

"Are you mad? You'll freeze."

"Hence the fire."

This was turning into one of those instances where no one explained anything to Mat, and he was getting really flaming sick of those. "Why don't you just flaming have her call a snowstorm while you're at it?"

Thom sighed, but didn’t get into the argument. He just hauled some more logs over. 

Oh that wasn’t good. Mat squirmed. "This is serious?"

"Just build us an inferno here boy." Thom scraped some ashes into the pot, in with the cooking grease from the rabbit.

Mat frowned. That was his pot. He’d found it. They couldn’t just commandeer it without so much as a by your leave.

"Closest thing we've got to a rose-soap scrub." Thom explained. 

On the other hand maybe he didn’t want to know. Oh well. Worse things in the world than gathering wood and all that.  
\----  
Moiraine carried easier when she was able to help by distributing her weight and grabbing on. However. Thom’s muscles still ached plaintively as his new betrothed’s feet left the ground. It made him remember all the pain and fear of carrying her out of that place, when even her small weight had been unmanageable. 

“I’ll set you next to the river.” He told her as they trudged along. “We’ll make a plan and then carry it out so that you don’t get too cold. 

“Alright.” Moiraine mumbled against his chest. 

The Aes Sedai lay down next to the riverbed as they discussed how this should be done. There was a rock part of the way out in the river, just visible above the current. They decided that Thom would carry Moiraine out to the rock, where she could scrub herself using the rabbit fat and fire ashes. Then he would help her dunk herself under. As soon as Moiraine felt passably clean, Thom would help her make a break for shore, wrap her in the cloak and get them both to the fire to dry off. 

So far they agreed. But when Thom started undressing so that his clothes would stay dry, he realized that Moiraine had planned on something different. 

“You want to keep clothes on while bathing?” He asked. “Such that we have.”

“Well…” She didn’t finish the sentence, but it was quite clear she did. 

“I guess we can figure that out.” Was going to create more problems for not freezing to death, but needed was needed. 

"I am well aware," Moiraine was talking uncharacteristically fast "That we're betrothed and that I was in my skin the whole rescue… I promise I will be…"

"I did what I did to get you out of that horror show, Moiraine." Thom said firmly. "Not to get you out of your dress."

"But I will want that." Moiraine said. "I just…" she trailed off. 

"You just want it to happen when you feel good, and right now you don't." Thom suggested.

“Yes.”

“Alright.” Thom said. “How about this. I’ll keep my trousers and you can have my shirt. I really do think we’d better save the cloak for after we get out.” 

Moiraine nodded, her face making an attempt at serenity. “That seems acceptable.” 

Thom made a point of not looking at her as he took off his shirt and gave it to her. Once he was sure it was buttoned up, he glanced over. “That feel alright?” 

“It feels….” Moiraine was definitely trying to do that Aes Sedai face nonsense now. “As good as might be expected.” 

“Ready to get this done?” 

Moiraine nodded. “Yes.” 

\---

The water was something beyond cold. Though liquid, it was frozen in the way that a mouse froze in sight of a hawk, in a way that made muscles refuse to move. Thom fought the urge to stop, to turn to ice, as he walked through what felt like runny tar. 

He got Moiraine to the rock and set her down, so that her feet and most of her lower body were submerged, resting on the part of the stone the water hid. 

Unlike Thom, Moiraine didn’t seem to notice the cold. She reached hurriedly for his arm and he passed off the pot of ashes. 

As Moiraine scrubbed, Thom kept his eyes on the the bubbling darkness of the water. There was something almost peaceful about the grim sight, even as he could feel it freezing his legs. 

“Ready.” Moiraine said musically. 

Thom turned back to her. Her body was covered in the greasy ashes, thick across her arms and chest and face. He could even see some, lit by the scraggly moonlight, in her hair. 

“Here we go.” He said, gripping her, one arm of his at the small of her back another pinning her forearm to her chest. The other hand he left free for Moiraine to scrub with. “One, two three.” 

It had to be a quick decisive move, he told himself, or she’d feel the cold worse. A single quick movement, give her a second or so to rinse and then up. 

When Moiraine’s head broke the water, the sound of her gasp for air overwhelmed Thom for reasons he didn’t fully understand. He could not stop thinking about how full of life the sound was. 

“Is that enough?” 

“Another. There is still some ash in my hair and under the shirt.” 

“One, two, three.” 

This time when she came back up, Moiraine did not regain her breath. She panted as though in pain. Thom recalled that Aes Sedai did not shiver like normal people, as he brought her out of the water, wrung out her shirt and hair as well as he could, and wrapped her in the cloak, before hefting her with arms that seemed near their limit of endurance. 

Thom knew he needed to get to the fire fast, but he was so cold, and Moiraine so distant.

“You're washed clean of what has been done to you." Thom said, forcing himself to take a step. "You're washed clean of what you have done. Body and soul.

He could tell that she'd turned in his arms to look at him.

"You aren't supposed to know."

"Tower ceremony?" He said. "You women may have your secrets, but if you think I could just ignore the existence of ritual verse without trying to find out what it was…"

She considered, “What we do to those girls testing them. Perhaps we should not."

“We?” The Tower most like. 

“I suppose I will have very little say in the matter now.” Moiraine commented. 

He couldn’t afford to wonder. Just get to the fire

\---  
True to his instructions, Mat did make an inferno. He even ran up to Thom and helped him settle Moiraine down, propped up as she had been before, good and close to the fire. And finally Thom was able to stand close to the fire himself, on the other side so he didn’t block Moiraine’s heat, and indulge in some shivering. 

Mat came up to stand next to him. “And everyone thinks I’m reckless.” He muttered. 

Thom shrugged. 

“Why did…” Mat began but Moiraine had started to mutter under her breath.

"A tool is not demeaned by being used for its intended purpose," she whispered to herself, harsh and desperate but oddly steady. "A tool is not demeaned by being used for its intended purpose. A tool is not…"

Thom glanced at her and the looked away, swallowing. 

"A tool is not demeaned by being used for its intended purpose. A tool is…" She took a deep breath and the half mad murmurs took on a rather serene “ not demeaned by being used for its intended purpose.” 

Mat shot Thom a very uncomfortable look. 

“A tool is not demeaned by being used..."

"Thom… Mat hissed in his ear. "I can't cope with this. I thought I could, and maybe with someone else, but this is flaming Moiraine, and I am going to panic."

"Then do it quietly." Thom hissed.

“A tool is not demeaned by being used for its intended purpose.” Moiraine was declaring the words calmly now, sounding like an Aes Sedai is supposed to sound, like she'd sounded saying this to others. 

“She is not a bloody hammer Thom. Hammers don’t feel.” 

“Moiraine can call herself whatever she wants, boy.” 

"And intended? Who flaming intended any of this?"

“I apologize.” Moiraine said, interrupting their hissed argument. “I am upsetting you. I will stop.” 

Thom moved over to the other side of the fire. Moiraine let him put his arms around her, which he counted as a good sign. “You understand why it disturbs us to hear my love?”

“Yes” She said. “Do you understand why it comforts me?”

“Yes.” Thom said. He really wished he didn’t. He even understood why she was speak-chanting this and not her famous wheel-weaves. "And you can have that comfort. right Mat?"

The lad sighed. "Well I suppose a person." he leaned on the word. "Is not demeaned by acts of… of flaming fool heroism." 

Moiraine smiled. "At least some things are as I left them."

"Uh huh sure. Thom she's freezing. You're freezing. You're both freezing and flaming insane."

Thom snorted.

"Can't she channel you dry?"

"She ca-"

"I think I can with the angreal." Moiraine interrupted. 

Thom scrunched up his face, but he got up and retrieved the angreal for her. "Yourself first, he muttered handing over her bracelet. 

Moiraine sat up on her knees and looked like she was concentrating for a moment. Then, the water from both her and Thom ran abruptly off them at once. 

"Woman, I told you."

Her eyes rolled back and she swayed. 

"Bloody…." Thom ran around the fire but Mat caught her first. 

"Forgot about that." The lad muttered. 

"Let's get her to where there's dry ground." Fortunately it wasn't far, just a few steps around the fire. They propped her up again, reclining. Thom sat next to her, tried to will his body to have heat to give her. 

"Moiraine." Mat said clumsily. "You're safe now."

The Aes Sedai returned a considering look, eyes open and alert even as her body struggled. 

"The boy's trying." Thom muttered. 

"I… feel really guilty for assuming you'd be alright" Mat added. 

"Alright, after being held by those… beings… for months on end. Of course I am not alright. I lived. I will do what I need to. That will have to be enough."

**Author's Note:**

> I wonder if anyone can find the reference to my favorite movie in here or if I paraphrased it out of recognizable


End file.
